This section is about writing.

January 7, 2012

Today I woke up able to see for the first time in a long time.

I had not been seeing things "as they are" for a long time. I saw only shadows and images from my mind. The world was an out of focus blur made of fears and expectations and gollums chasing me.

But this morning, I awoke and I could see.

I saw the hairs in my husbands beard. I saw the redness of his skin, and the shiny silver glow of his hair. Shining like the sheen on a skein of silk.

Today I woke up able to smile for the first time in a long time.

I had not been smiling for along time. I only laughed hysterically, or smiled with my teeth clenched and my brow wrinkled.

But this morning when I smiled, my face felt relaxed and the pressures that had been pressing down on me had gone away.

And I wondered how I could have been any other way. How could I have forgotten how to smile for so long? It seemed impossible to me that I could have let myself remain in a world of pain and shadows when simply relaxing and seeing the world as it is would make it better.

I find that I cannot see ahead. Not even an hour. Not even five minutes.

I can only see now.

In a world of now, there is no fear. There is no consequence. There is only me and the world together.

I realize that this is how children see the world. They play and they are in the now. Mother says, "I called you in an hour ago." but all they know is for some reason now mother is mad.

There is no, " Oh I'm going to get in trouble if..."

There is no "if" in the world of now. Just "try this" and "try that", "look at this" and "look at that".

But now the muscles in my abdomen shiver and my brow furrows, because I think "I won't be able to sustain this. I won't be able to stay in the now. Soon I will start to worry again."

Soon

Expectation for tomorrow.

I rub my eyes and hold on tight.

I sigh.

My eyes cloud again.

My smile fades.

The real world disappears again with a sense of loss.

January 6, 2012

I awoke with a headache.
Where is the center?
A vine climbs up the wall searching for the sun.

January 5, 2012

I napped and had a nightmare.
People pushed me down. put my face on the floor.
I Woke and saw Orion and the moon in the night sky.
Shockingly bright.
Strange!

The world surprises me. It throws me out of myself.
I think that I like the universe more than I like the people in it.
I wish that I could see the ocean again.
It did the same thing.
It pulled me out of myself.
It made me understand the meaninglessness of time.

I sit with my eyes wide open contemplating the reality of eternity.
The distance to the stars is so vast. We can hardly contemplate it.
How can I worry about tomorrow when today is not even the thickness of a gnat's wing to the continent that is the age of the universe.

My breath stops.

January 4, 2012

The great thing about the new year is that it reminds us that everyday is the chance for a new beginning.

Unfortuately I screwed up this one.

The TV Show: SHERLOCK - A Scandal in Belgravia

Four spaces on her camera phone.
The password it must be.
I knew the theme of this show so.
The code was clear to me.

But I was wrong!
They faked me out.
A pun they used above

Yes I was wrong
because I thought
The password would be LOVE.

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